My Testimony

I grew up in a Christian household and vividly remember sitting on the porch and reading the children's bible out loud as a family. We would say prayers before meals, and we had learned to memorize the Lord's Prayer. We didn't have a physical church but spent Sundays watching certain Pastors, or Biblical videos on YouTube.

As a child, you learn to go along with whatever your parents are doing. If your parents are religious you would either agree with their religion (as it's your upbringing) or you would ultimately reject it because it did not align with your own beliefs. I was in the latter category, of ultimately rejecting religion. I had developed a "My way, or the highway" mentality. I mean honestly, who would want some mythical sky man telling you what you can and cannot do. Who's to say there even is an afterlife; what about other gods and religions, which one is true? I've prayed and done all these religious things, why don't I FEEL anything?

Plus, many people have been hurt by those in Churches, either physically or mentally. Many have been shunned by their parents for their sexuality not aligning with Biblical beliefs. We see all types of bigotry that are a result of religion. In seeing all of this, I decided that religion did more harm than good. That I believed in a God, but didn't want to concern myself with thoughts of the afterlife. I didn't want to change the direction I was going in.

Surprisingly, the direction I wanted to go in wasn't the best. I had developed some toxic relationships and have always at heart, been a people pleaser. If I even sensed you held some hostility towards me, I'd shut down. To make it even better, I had terrible body image issues and struggled to find any worth within myself. "Self Love Babygirl, Self Love," those positive affirmations you tell yourself as you just want to curl into a ball and cry. Those quotes with the aesthetic background that you set as a wallpaper that compares you to a blooming flower. That it'll get better, you just haven't blossomed into your best you. That someday you'll become that beautiful flower by watering yourself daily with self-love.

There didn't seem to be enough love within me to love myself. Time and time again I struggled with controlling emotions, and anxiety and depressive thoughts. I was filled with far more self-deprecation than self-love. I learned to deal with the highs and lows of my mental health. Shrugging it off, as everyone around me had done. Just accepting that even if it's trash, it's just what it is.

   At the end of 2019, I had decided that I was going to make 2020 my year, after all, it was a new decade —and I was slowly becoming an adult. I had made the New Years' resolution of losing weight and perhaps in that I could find some self-acceptance.

   Then COVID-19 happened, in a world of uncertainty I wanted something certain. Like many during the quarantine, I was searching for God. Just one look on Google trends during quarantine and you can see the hundreds of searches for God, prayer, and Christ. Data also shows that the Bible app downloads skyrocketed and there was a huge spike in Bible sales. We never look to God unless our world is crumbling.

   For myself, I took steps to get right with God by signing up for guided courses on the BGEA website. I wanted to try one more time at religion and felt the need to get right with God.

   I took all 3 of the courses and felt I was getting closer to God, but I didn't feel Him. I was scared I wasn't saved, that I was a pretender, a fake. I started to look into it and ask for guidance. I had to distinguish between faith and feelings. In this, I had a terrible sin (transgression against God) in my life. I wasn't trying to stop, and I didn't feel any conviction.

   I'm not sure what exactly happened, but sometime in mid-July, in me trying to get closer to God, I learned that I needed to get rid of an addiction I had. A sin that I had always struggled with was holding me back. I started to take measures against that specific sin. I started filling my mind with God's Word (Bible) instead of worldly things.

   I soon realized the struggle of getting rid of it was too much. I couldn't do it, it was too difficult. I didn't have any crazy spiritual experience with God, and I was bombarded with doubts. So many what-ifs were bouncing around in my head and I had a panic attack... I tried wrapping my mind around the concept of God and just trying to understand my existence. I didn't want to be here, why am I here. What if I don't want to go on after this life. In my soul, I knew there was something beyond this world, but my doubts clouded everything and told me that I was foolish. That this life is it, there's nothing else.

Even in my doubt, I prayed to God, tears in my eyes, sobbing, snot coming out my nose. I remember that I was in my room, I didn't want to close my eyes to pray. I looked out my window staring up at the sky. I kept sobbing, through the sobs I remember praying: "God, I don't know why I am here, and I'm not sure what lies beyond this world, but I trust You. I trust You, that You have a plan and a purpose for me. You make no mistakes, that I am no mistake, but I was made for a purpose." It was at that moment, I felt an indescribable peace.

My broken downstate was replaced with peace. I felt peace and joy in my heart, I felt His presence and it felt like my heart was full. Looking back on it now, I believe that in my full surrender and my faith in the darkness I was able to feel His wonderful presence. He is so good.

   Later that night I was still tormented with doubts, but I was beating myself up. I was battling uncertainty in my head, but my heart and soul knew better. My inner me, my spirit, knew that God is real. I was praying and genuinely just talking to God. I started to tell Him, that I couldn't wrap my mind around universes and just existing in general. In mid-sentence, my thoughts went right to Proverbs 3:5-6. The verse is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths." I was in such awe, that He put that in my mind. So many people deny Him, but He shows me time and time again of His presence with me. He is so so patient with me.

   In that specific season, I had so many wonderful highs with God. I felt His presence and I wanted to learn as much as I could. I would wake up thinking about Him and go to sleep thinking about Him. I prayed to Him, and I just talked to Him, He is my peace. He is for me, and He only wants the best for me. I never felt such love in all my life.

   I had run from Him all my life, I insulted Him, stomped on His name, and ridiculed Him just like everyone else. I didn't want to believe it. I felt undeserving. If God would have said to me "No, you had your chance, too late," He would have been justified. But He didn't.

There's a story of the Prodigal Son that Jesus tells. If you don't know it, it is a story of an ungrateful son. I'll explain the basics. A wealthy man has two sons, one of who wants to go out into the city with his inheritance. His father gives him his inheritance and lets him go out into the world. When the son gets in the city, he spends his money on living an extravagant lifestyle. He lives a fine life until the money runs out. He had everything money could buy. He gambled, spent money on women, had nice clothes, and had other rich friends.

Then after a few years, his money ran out. He worked in a pig stable. Without enough food for him to eat, he ate pig slop. His friends had left him, he had no more money, and he was dirty and hungry. He planned to go back to his father's house. However, he was filled with guilt. He planned to ask his father to work as merely a servant. The son had also planned to walk all the way to his father's house.

His father saw his son coming up the hill. The father ran to his son and rejoiced. His son didn't even have time to apologize properly. He was embraced by his father and clothed in new clean robes. His father had servants prepare a great feast for his long lost son. There was no disdain for his son, but great rejoicing and celebration.

   The parable of the prodigal son hits different for me. I am that prodigal son. I deliberately left God. He didn't stop me, He loves me and lets me decide. He is a loving Father who knows what's best. He will not force Himself upon anyone.

   I came back to Him with my tail between my legs so to speak. When I came to Him with tears in my eyes and anxiety in my heart, there was no "I told you so, good luck." No. There was only the loving embrace of a Father. He restored me. My cup overflows with joy. He blesses me in so many ways.

He has set me free of many of my old ways. I am still healing from my wounds, but I believe He uses my wounds as a way to help others. I can relate to others who were struggling like I was. He can transform the worse things into something beautiful. Everything works together, for His plan.

As of right now, I am still learning so much about God. In learning of Him and His character, I want to tell others. So many people have a distorted perception of God, and I have finally understood. I want so badly, for people to experience Him and His goodness. He is for you, not against you. Don't listen to what others say about Him, but rather learn about Him through His word. The condescending Christian people you grew up with, the priests who sexually assault their church members, they are not God or an accurate representation of Him. They will receive their just dues for misrepresenting Him.

God is for you, not against you. If you want to read a more in-depth explanation of the Gospel and who Jesus really is, click this button.

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